


I Don't Deserve You

by dilaurentisfields



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-13
Updated: 2014-09-13
Packaged: 2018-02-17 06:17:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2299487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dilaurentisfields/pseuds/dilaurentisfields
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After All these years, Mona finally tells Hanna how she really feels about her. First chapter set in 5x10.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"She scares me to death; I just… didn't want to face her alone." Mona looks at her and Hanna sees something she hasn't seen in a long time. She sees her _friend_ , the one person she could always rely on, but she just… She doesn't trust her – she  _can't_  trust her, not after all that she has done. So she breaks her gaze away from Mona's and looks blankly at her reflection in the rear view mirror, because maybe if she doesn't look at her she'll forget how she feels. Maybe she'll forget how much she still  _cares_.

But she  _can't_. She can't stop thinking about how she felt when she saw her old friend's body lying on the floor right in front of her. Can't forget the feeling of emptiness that filled her heart when she thought Mona had dropped dead, right then and there. Can't shake away the feeling of relief when she opened up her eyes.

Mona's lost in her own head too, thinking about how sick and tired she is of being alone (she has been  _trying_  to ignore that feeling since Hanna had stopped being her friend, keeps pushing it down, but it keeps coming back) and how she just  _wishes_  that she still had a friend that would be there for her – how she wishes that  _Hanna_  was still there for her; but she knows that she doesn't deserve it, knows that Hanna has absolutely  _no reason_  to trust her ever again.

But for some reason she can't help but hoping that Hanna will come back to her; that she'll forgive her and just come back, because she's selfish like that. She wants Hanna all to herself again, but instead she's forced to sit in class behind her every day and see her interact with everyone  _but_  her, purposefully ignoring her every attempt at a conversation and the worst part is that she can't blame anyone _but_  herself.

And she  _does_  blame herself. Every day she thinks about her mistakes – how she took it too far and ended up losing the  _only_  person she ever really cared about – and what pains her the most is that she never got a chance to tell Hanna how she really  _feels_  about her. How she meant it when she'd said she loved her (and how she still  _does_ ). And she  _knows_  it's stupid, knows that Hanna will  _never_  feel the same way about her, but she just… she just can't stop loving her.

It's only when Hanna clears her throat and begins talking that Mona snaps back to reality and her gaze shifts from the computer screen to meet the blonde's eyes.

"I think I'm going…" She says, and Mona can't help but feeling slightly disappointed. "Caleb's probably waiting for me and it's getting late."

She just nods and watches as Hanna finally takes off her seat belt and reaches for the handle, and she can't help but feeling  _angry_  because Hanna's leaving her again and she doesn't  _want_  it. She doesn't really know what she's doing, but she finds herself reaching for Hanna's arm and pulling her back down on the seat.

"What the –" is all Hanna manages to say before Mona interrupts her.

"I miss you." She says, and it feels  _honest_  and Hanna can't help but feeling surprised because she wasn't expecting this and it's only when she relaxes into her seat that Mona releases her hold on her. "I miss being with you and I miss your stupid jokes and…" she's scared of saying any other word because the way Hanna's looking at her (like she doesn't believe a single word she's saying) is making her more and more nervous and she has to tear her gaze away from her or else she won't be able to continue. "I just miss being your friend, Hanna."

The weight on her heart grows heavier by the second because she misses Mona too, she misses having her around and she misses how  _good_  she always made her feel about herself but she  _can't_  forgive her, not after all that she has done to her; not after she'd betrayed her like that, and when the words finally come out of her mouth they taste like venom.

"You should've thought about that before you betrayed me." Is what she says and Mona feels like she's being stabbed in the chest and her heart aches and why does it have to hurt  _so much_?

"I'm  _sorry_." She replies, and there's desperation in her voice and Hanna wants to believe her  _so hard_  but she  _can't_. "I'm sorry for what I did to you – to  _all_ of you. I know it was wrong but I…" and she can't continue, can't say another word because she didn't have any good reason to do the things she did and she knows it (and it  _sucks_  and she really hates herself right now).

"You  _what_ , Mona?" Hanna says and tears are starting to form on the corners of her eyes because she's  _tired_  and  _hurt_  and she just wants to go home and not think about anything for a while.

Mona doesn't  _know_  what she's doing – she's tired too and tears are starting to abandon her eyes and when she speaks she immediately regrets it because that's definitely  _not_  what she was planning to say; not now and probably not  _ever_. "I  _love_  you!"

Hanna freezes at those words, sure she didn't hear it well and Mona's just  _there_  and she looks as surprised as Hanna does and  _why_  did she get in the car in the first place?

So they just sit there in silence – Hanna completely stunned, looking at Mona as she looks down at her legs, tears running quietly down her face and Hanna's _hurting_ because she doesn't  _know_  how to react. She definitely doesn't feel the same way about Mona but at the same time she  _still_  cares about her and she doesn't want to see her like this but… It's all  _too much_ right now and she just needs to  _leave_  and that's what she does.

It's only when Hanna leaves that Mona allows herself to completely break and tears start running wildly through her face and the silence is replaced with loud sobs and how could she be so  _stupid_? It only hurts more when she realizes that Hanna will probably never speak to her ever again.


	2. Chapter 2

The next day Hanna's mom basically has to drag her out of bed. After the whole thing with Mona, the blonde had gone home and drank the whole content of her hip flask, desperately trying to erase the past few hours off her mind (and failing). It took her a while to fall asleep, too lost in her mind, but once the alcohol finally kicked in she dozed off within minutes.

She manages to pull herself together, eventually, and heads off to school – the very  _last_  place where she wants to be because it's the only place where she _can't_  avoid Mona. For a few moments she contemplates the idea of skipping, but decides against it, knowing her mother would be furious if she found out.

She's already late for her first class, so she's not surprised when she sees that everyone's already in there. She mumbles some excuse to her teacher as to why she's late and makes her way to her seat, and it's only then that she notices that not  _everyone_ is in class. The seat right behind her –  _Mona's_  seat – is empty.

At first she doesn't think much of it, feeling kind of relieved that at least she won't have to deal with Mona sitting behind her for the hour. But as the day goes by, she can't help but feeling a bit  _concerned_. She doesn't see Mona anywhere during the breaks  _or_  at lunch time. She figures the brunette took the day off, that maybe she's sick or something like that, but part of her keeps telling her that it's all  _her_  fault and that Mona's skipping classes because she's  _avoiding_  her.

She spends the day trying to shake off her concern, but she just  _can't_  and she can't stop thinking about Mona. And she  _hates_  it. Hates that she feels guilty for not giving Mona a second chance at being her friend when she knows she doesn't deserve one. Hates to think that she probably broke her heart in a million pieces when she just left her car without saying a word.

Hanna's mind can't help but going back to what had happened after the fire, where Alison had saved their lives. Mona had tried  _so hard_  to prove that they could trust her – that  _Hanna_  could trust her – and they hadn't even bothered to give her the benefit of the doubt, taking it as a chance of keeping an eye on Mona instead.

The worst part is that she really  _can't_  think of a reason why she didn't give Mona a second chance. She  _wanted_  to, felt that Mona was being  _honest_ , but the other girls didn't feel the same way, so she didn't fight them.

Guilt and concern are consuming her and by the time the bell rings to announce the end of her last class of the day, she decides against all her better judgment to go to the brunette's house and just say whatever she has to say.

She paces nervously around the girl's porch for a few minutes, trying to clear out her mind, before she finally rings the doorbell and waits, shifting her weight from one leg to the other. When no one answers the door, she crouches to get the spare key from under the rug (Mona had told her once that they kept a key there because she kept forgetting hers at home) and opens the door because she just  _knows_  that Mona's home (because where else could she be?).

When she finally steps inside, the house is awfully quiet. Everything's dark and cold, and Mona's nowhere to be seen. For a moment she thinks that  _maybe_ Mona's not there and took the day to go somewhere and she should just leave because she's  _technically_  trespassing and she's pretty sure that's a crime.

But for whatever reason she decides to go upstairs, just to make sure Mona's  _really_  not there. She can't help but notice that the door to the brunette's room is slightly open and when she peeks in she sees Mona's body lying in bed, her back turned to the door.

She takes a few deep breaths before pushing through the door. Her shoes clack on the wooden floor. She looks at Mona, but the girl doesn't even shift. Hanna only knows she's alive because the sheets wrapped around her form keep moving up and down with every breath she takes.

"Mom, I told you I'm fine." she says hoarsely, pulling the covers tightly around her as if to shield herself.

Hanna can't help but shaking her head and smiling to herself. "It's not your mom." she replies as closes the door behind her. She can't help but notice Mona's body tensing under the sheets and stops herself from taking another step, scared to invade the brunette's space.

It seems like an eternity goes by before Mona speaks again and suddenly Hanna thinks that coming to her place was a  _really_  bad idea. But she couldn't stay away, not when she felt like she was the reason why her old friend had skipped school.

"Go away." Mona tells her and she sounds so  _broken_... And Hanna knows that she  _deserves_  to be treated this way, knows that she shouldn't have come in the first place, but instead of turning around she just walks the distance between her and Mona's bed and sits at the end of it.

She feels Mona shifting away from her, but the brunette doesn't make any other attempt at sending her away, so Hanna just stays there, thinking carefully about her next few words for a moment.

"Mona..." she starts, carefully. "I'm sorry I reacted the way I did, yesterday." And she  _does_. She keeps beating herself up over the way she reacted, but she was taken by surprise and just couldn't _process_  anything so she just  _left_.

The brunette shifts so that she's facing Hanna and she looks  _awful_. Her makeup from the previous night is all smudged and there are huge bags under her eyes, which are red from crying. Hanna's left speechless because  _she_  did that and  _god_ , she feels as awful as Mona looks.

Mona shifts a bit more so that she's sitting up, her back against the bed frame. She pulls her legs closer to her chest and wraps her arms around her knees, waiting for Hanna to continue, but avoiding looking her in the eye. Hanna takes the message and continues.

"I just..." she says, looking down at her hands while she fidgets – something she does every time she's nervous. "I didn't know how to  _react_  and I just needed to clear my mind before I said anything to you."

Mona finally looks up at Hanna and the blonde smiles a little. "Do you have anything to say,  _now_?" she asks and there's  _hope_  in her voice and eyes and Hanna's scared she'll just crush her heart  _again_... But she's made up her mind about how she feels and she just has to say it.

"I do." she starts, taking a deep breath. "And even though I don't love you the same way you love me, I still love you, Mona... And I don't want things to be like this between us." When she sees that that little flicker of hope is still in Mona's eyes, she continues. "I want us to be friends again."

Time moves slowly as she waits for Mona's reply, ready for the brunette to say "No." and just send her away, but to her surprise she  _doesn't_. Instead, she smiles softly and cleans a tear that was starting to form at the corner of her eye; she nods and she's  _happy_  because she expected this. She knew that Hanna didn't feel the same way about her, but having her as a friend is better than not having her at all.

Hanna smiles back at her and she feels like this huge weight has been lifted off her shoulder. She throws her arms around Mona and hugs her tightly, and as the brunette's arms wrap around her she feels like maybe, just _maybe_ , things will start getting better from now on.


End file.
